Autism Lessons

Autism became a part of our family’s life 15 years ago when our son was diagnosed at the age of 2 ½. The early years of his diagnosis were a whirlwind of exploring and implementing therapies to help him grow and learn. It was an all-consuming focus in my life in those years as I felt immense pressure to help him reach his greatest potential before the “therapeutic window” closed. There’s a line of thinking in the autism world that there is a limited amount of time in which individuals can make progress in their early years. The fear of missing the most effective therapies while the window was still open was a crushing burden to carry as a mom.  Early intervention is so important and our brains are the more neuroplastic in our earliest years of life, but new research is now showing that our brains continue to have the ability to grow and change throughout our lifespan.

We tried many, many different therapies with Seth and saw slow, steady progress and yet Seth continued to struggle greatly with autism. I poured my heart and soul into research and went near and far to find therapies and therapists I believed would help Seth. I had friends whose children made significantly more progress with the same therapies and slowly over years, I had to move toward an acceptance of the fact that Seth’s progress would not be significant in the same ways. In the last 5 years we’ve settled into a less frenzied pace of therapies and interventions and it’s been a part of my everyday life for so long that I don’t often think about the challenges anymore – they are just a normal part of life for us.

The journey of autism has taught me so much. I’ve learned to rejoice in the small victories in life and appreciate the simple joys found in everyday, mundane happenings. Autism has taught me to look for the beauty in all people regardless of their abilities. I have always believed that all people are created in the image of God, loved and valuable – autism has helped me to truly live out this belief and has driven this belief down into the core of my being. I’ve learned about pure, unconditional love – something we hope we show toward others, but if we’re honest our love can easily become conditional.  The love I have for my son is not based on anything he accomplishes – it is a pure love comes from my heart simply because he’s my son. I’ve come to believe that this love I feel for him is a glimpse of the love that God has for me – not a love based on what I do for God but a love grounded in the fact that I am God’s child. That is what I’ve learned most from our journey with autism – about God’s amazing love for us.

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

“You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” Psalm 86:15

 

 

Kingdom Living

We must “set out to become people who don’t just believe things about Jesus but who learn to rearrange our lives to put Jesus’s words into practice
for the sake of the world.”

This quote from Eternal Current by Aaron Niequist has been rattling around in my heart and soul for the past few days.  And the issue of living out what I believe about Jesus has been rumbling around in my heart for quite some time.

The familiar words of the Lord’s prayer “Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,” challenge me each time I prayer that prayer (something that wonderfully happens much more often in the stream of Christianity I now swim in). I think God is clearly calling me to more than just hanging on until I meet Him face to face in heaven. I firmly believe God is calling me to join His Spirit in bringing His kingdom, His will to earth and transforming our broken planet into the beautiful kingdom God originally designed it to be.

During some seasons of my life I’ve seen very clearly how God was calling me to live into His kingdom purposes. During our season of ministry as a foster family – my kingdom mission arrived at my door and came to live in my house – it was wonderful and incredibly challenging, beautiful and completely heartbreaking. I didn’t have to question how God was calling me to serve in that season; I was completely pouring myself out to the point of beautiful exhaustion for the sake of the world – for the sake of kids and families in need. But that season has closed for our family.

In this season, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I’ve locked down a bit over the past year in the midst of much turmoil in my life and lost my focus on the kingdom, my heart for those God’s heart breaks for. There are seasons in life when it’s difficult, near impossible to keep that focus when your life erupts around you. And I guess it’s okay to be in that place for a time; as we rebuild, heal, and regroup. I say I guess because I’m not really sure. I lost my kingdom focus because I was too focused on my own needs and I don’t know that that’s really okay at any point.

But my heart is awakening to that focus and passion once again and I’m praying about what that means for my life and my ministry. For how I spend my time and the resources God has given me. For how I lead the people God has placed in my life so as to nudge them toward putting Jesus’ words into practice. I’m sensing God’s call to begin moving toward His kingdom purposes in my own personal life first and I’m praying for God’s direction and guidance in this new season. How might God be calling you to join in His kingdom purposes today?

Choosing Trust

In the midst of the challenges of life, putting our trust in God can be difficult. It can be difficult to see God as a good and caring Father when the world is falling apart around us. It is in these times of challenge that we must ground ourselves in truth – the truth that God is good, loving, faithful, compassionate, forgiving – trustworthy!!

God’s Word is full of passages that speak to God’s goodness and trustworthy nature:

• God lavishes His love on us – “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called the children of God.” 1 John 3:1
• God is loving and wants only good for us – “But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.”
• God is with us –  “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
• God is our helper – “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

In the midst of the challenges of life we have a choice – we can choose to trust and walk with God through our desert seasons, or we can turn away from God and reject His love and care. I walked through a season when I chose to reject God’s love and care in the midst of some challenges in my life as a young mom.  I was angry with God that my life was not the storybook plotline I had dreamed of. I was grieved that my children’s lives were affected by disability; something I had never imagined when I dreamed of being a mom.

As I walked through this season in anger and bitterness toward the Lord I found myself absolutely miserable. Rejecting God’s love and care did not change the season I was walking through; but I do believe that it made it even more difficult. I had to wrestle with the Lord and learn more about His heart for me in order to begin trusting Him again. I came to realize that the challenges I was facing were a result of the broken world we live in – God had not brought these challenges upon me and His heart broke with my heart. His design was not one of a world with sin, illness, and death. His design was a world of beauty and wonder and absolute perfect relationship with Him – but that design was broken.

When I began to understand that God’s heart was one of compassion and love toward me, I was able to embrace His care for me and walk with Him through the challenges of life. I saw firsthand His mercy and grace, His faithfulness, and the strength He offers as He walked with me. I found great peace and comfort in my relationship with Him.

Even though that season was a very difficult time in my life; I’m so thankful for that time and for the lessons I learned that have been reinforced over and over again as I’ve continued in my journey of life. New challenges have come and I’ve been able to press into the heart of God and receive comfort, grace, compassion and love from Him even when things are not as I want them to be. I’ve come to believe wholeheartedly that these challenges in my life are not as God wants them to be either.

A Whirlwind Year

2018.  A year of dramatic change and unexpected upheaval. The year began with a lot of busyness and some significant challenges with 2 college students, 1 high school senior, and a deeply struggling younger child in our home. Major changes started in 2018 for our family as our youngest son who we adopted 4 years prior left our home for residential treatment in the midst of deep struggles. Heartbreaking decisions were made that continue to weigh heavy on the hearts of our family even a year later. The spring was busy with work, school and the celebrations of 3 graduations – wonderful times of celebration spent together as a family.

I hoped for a quiet summer but knew things would be a bit busy in ministry with summer camp for our youth, VBS for our kiddos and continuing weekly worship planning. After returning home from summer camp with our youth I dove into VBS prep and was literally in the midst of that prep – decorating for VBS when my town was turned upside down by an EF3 tornado. July 19^th, 2018 is a day that will forever be burned in our memory as a community. Our home, church and son’s workplace were directly impacted by the tornado and the time between the storm sweeping through our town and when I was able to physically get my family all together (we were in 3 different locations during the storm) was one of the scariest time of my life.

The days following the storm were overwhelming and completely inspiring as people came from near and far to help us start putting the broken pieces of our community back together. As I awoke the morning after the tornado, I was completely overwhelmed at the thought of the clean-up which needed to take place just on my home property – our very high roof was in bad shape, there were 20 windows that needed boarded, and there was 6 feet of debris in our yard that would need to be removed before we could even begin to start assessing the rest of the damage. Tears still come to my eyes as I recall the amazing way in which God provided for us that day. Friends showed up with chain saws and trucks to start clearing the yard and the added help of the MHS boys baseball team made fast work of this project, roofing guys sent by a dear friend arrived to patch and tarp our roof and boarded the 3^rd story windows, glass cleanup took place in the house. By 4 pm in the afternoon, tasks that had seemed insurmountable that morning were well.

Five busy, extremely overwhelming days after the tornado a new challenge entered our lives as our 17 year old son with autism had his first grand mal seizure, and then another 7 days later. Appointments were quickly made to see a neurologist and tests were done and seizure meds prescribed. I was terrified that he would have another seizure – something that was so frightening to watch him go through. I was concerned about how these seizures would affect him neurologically – how it might further affect his functioning already greatly impacted by his autism.

Three weeks after the second seizure, I sent not 1 but 2 kids off to college for the first time. They were excited beyond measure and heading to great colleges that God had clearly directed them to.  But as a mom I was grieving the loss of their daily presence in our family life. I desperately missed them but tried not to let that desperation come through in my communication with them. I tried to be supportive and share in their great joy and excitement with this new phase of their lives.

I was on overload and experiencing anxiety on a level I had never dealt with before in my life. I soon realized that I was having panic attacks – sometimes in the midst of stressful situations, sometimes in calm moments. The tsunami of stress and change that was my life in 2018 was having a very real impact on my physical and mental health. I cried out to the Lord for His peace and I sought out counseling and began trying to process all that had occurred in the past year.

Thankfully the panic attacks only lasted a few months, but I continue to reflect on the stress of the past year and I continue to pursue greater healing – acceptance, peace, joy in the midst of struggle, greater compassion for myself and others. I am trying to let go of control – not an easy task for this control freak. I am trying to trust God more fully with these major changes – with 3 children no longer under my roof that I pray will find joy, love, and success in their lives. I am trying to learn to have compassion for myself and others – trying to accept that I am an imperfect, fallible human being – as we all are. I am trying to remember the grace and compassion that God extends to us.

“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s . . .
As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.”
Psalm 103:1-5, 13-14

I am trying to remember God’s blessing, His forgiveness, His redemptive purposes always at work in our lives, His steadfast love and mercy, His renewal, His great compassion. I am trying to remember to show myself that same compassion that my Lord shows me.  I am so thankful He has lifted me out of the pit of anxiety and is bringing peace and calm back to my life.

In the midst of the whirlwinds of life, I have experienced God’s blessing and His presence. I am learning anew the wonderful power of His presence and trying to rest in that and truly believe that His presence is all that I need. His sweet presence that speaks calm into the chaos, speaks mercy into our judgment, speaks redemption into our brokenness, speaks compassion into our self-criticism. His presence is truly enough.

Prince of Peace

The crush of Christmas is closing in.  The feeling of too many tasks yet to be done, so much I don’t know how it will be all get accomplished.  As a mom I have found myself overwhelmed at Christmas in the past few years.  Overwhelmed by the sheer number of things that I feel I must get done and feeling as though I am missing the pure joy that fills this season.  My type A personality wants to do, do, and do some more to create this perfect Christmas experience for those around me.  And in all this doing I run myself ragged and find exhaustion instead of joy.

In reality there is no need for this pursuit of perfection – God has already cornered the market on sending the perfect Christmas gift.  He sent His only Son to us as a baby boy, who was born into obscurity so long ago.  He sent His love wrapped in skin and came into our broken world to bring an end to brokenness.

In the beautiful words from Handel’s Messiah taken from the prophet Isaiah,

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a Son is given,
and the government shall be upon His shoulder:
and His name shall be called Wonderful Counsellor,
the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace.”

As I sang these words this past Sunday God’s Spirit ministered to my soul of His love, peace, grace and mercy.  God is a wonderful counselor – He desires to hear our heart’s cries of sorrow and hurt.  He desires to sooth our brokenness and as the Prince of Peace, He has the ability to sooth us and fill us with His peace.

He loved us so much that He took on those sorrows and was bruised, beaten, and ultimately died in order to bring us peace.  Later in Handel’s Messiah we sang:

“Surely He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows;
He was wounded for our transgressions; He was bruised for our iniquities;
the chastisement of our peace was upon Him.”

 This gripping chorus, written by Handel in a minor key with rich textures and dissonances is one of my favorite sections of this powerful work.  The word chastisement means “a severe criticism, a rebuke, or a strong reprimand.”  We are offered peace as a result of Christ’s stepping in to receive the punishment we deserved for our sins.  How often I forgo that peace in my life; I buy into the lies of the Enemy that I am unworthy of forgiveness and I walk through life feeling defeated by my sin.  But this need not be – Christ came to carry our sorrows, to take the wounds we rightly desire for our transgressions and to give us peace.

Peace – is that not ultimately what we are yearning for during this Christmas season and all through the year?  We yearn to feel at peace with God and our fellow man.  To feel at peace with the pressure of performance and producing that our world screams is necessary.  But maybe, just maybe the most important thing during this season is not making one more batch of cookies (or the first batch in my case), stressing about wrapping each present just so, or writing and formatting the Christmas letter to perfection;  maybe the most important thing is taking time to consider the love, grace, mercy and peace that our Savior come as a babe offers us.

And ultimately to remember that Jesus who came as babe born in a manger, who then died on the cross to take on the chastisement of all our sins will return one day and He will reign forever as the words of the powerful Hallelujah Chorus remind us.

“Hallelujah!  for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth.
The kingdom of this world is become the kingdom of our Lord,
and of His Christ:  and He shall reign for ever and ever.
King of Kings, and Lord of Lords,  Hallelujah!”

 

Chased by God’s Goodness & Love

The last few days of summer are winding down for us.  The kids had back to school night and I’m considering trekking to Minneapolis later this month for a back to school night of my own.  New beginnings and a more scheduled life are welcome changes after a summer of fun, yet at and times chaotic happenings.  My highschoolers are returning to a school they know and love and are so excited for their junior and senior years – yikes!  The only apprehension I have felt regarding their upcoming school years are the very fact of the years they are in – so close to launching from our nest and leaving this mama missing them desperately.  But I’m going to try not to focus on that and simply focus on enjoying all the remaining moments with two amazing people I’m privileged to raise (sniff, sniff).

My younger boys will be entering a new school this fall – middle school, wowza.  The amount of change they will be facing has this mama a bit apprehensive for these two boys with unique challenges.  I am thankful for committed and caring teachers and staff; many of whom have a strong faith which has led them into the education field to impact kids in positive ways.  I was so thankful as we walked through the halls of the middle school last night to see and talk with many staff who are friends I know to possess a strong faith.  This sets my heart at ease a bit.

And yet I have been prone to anxious thoughts in the past few weeks, which is thankfully not my prevailing pattern of thought (I am more prone to negativity and self-pity – just saying that I definitely have my struggles).  As I spend time in the Word this morning I landed in Psalm 23 – a familiar passage to so many of us.  I was blessed to see with fresh eyes truth in God’s Word.  Verse 6 says:

“Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.” (NLT)

The word “pursue” jumped off the page and as I read further in the study I was working through I learned that this word in the original Hebrew is radaph, and means “to follow”, or “to chase”.  How beautiful is that?  God’s goodness and love will pursue us, will chase us down.  As I send my kiddos off to school I can be assured that God’s goodness and love will chase after them.  In my own life as I struggle with the hurts and brokenness of this world God’s goodness and love chase me down.  This jumped off the page to me because this has been the truth of my life experientially over and over again.  When I have turned from God in frustration, anger and hurt He has chased after me.  As we have approached each new and scary experience of parenting and wondered how things would work out we have seen the goodness and love of the Lord over and over again as He has placed amazing teachers, paras, therapists, mentors and friends in our kids lives over and over again.

In the face of a broken world where the news can be so discouraging and  downright terrifying (which leads me to simply not follow it most of the time), God’s goodness and love are displayed in our lives over and over again.  Even in the hard times, God has met me in the struggle and shown me His goodness and love through the support of family and friends & His people, through glimpses of His glory and splendor in creation, through simple reminders of the blessings all around us.  Today I am thankful for the reminder of God’s goodness and love that chase after us!

Reengaged

It’s interesting to consider the thoughts and feelings that were going through my mind 2 years ago as I wrote my last post about restlessness.  How quickly life can consume those yearnings for change.  In the midst of waiting on God for a clear direction life speeds along at its’ breakneck pace.  But this restlessness I spoke of sat just below the surface, speaking to me in rare moments of quiet and space and I kept asking God what the big change would be.    

As I waited to hear from the Lord, He continued to work in my life and the life of my family.  As we walked with the Lord, God opened doors for our entire family to reengage in ministry that has filled our hearts and allowed us to use the gifts God has given us.   We have been blessed to step and stretch ourselves in areas of gifting that had laid dormant.  I’ve been blessed to lead worship again; lead an amazing group of people in a wonderful worship choir; and reengage with the mom’s ministry that is near and dear to my heart.  My hubby has been able to reengage in using his gifts in teaching and tech ministry and our teenagers have had wonderful opportunities to explore their giftings in leading worship and teaching as well.  We have been embraced afresh by God’s people and been welcomed in to share in the work of the church in refreshing ways. 

Over the past 2 years I have continued to seek the Lord, but did not until recently get the green light to the move on with this big change in my life.  I wasn’t even sure what that change was supposed to be.  I’ve considered enrolling in grad school for a long time to pursue a master’s in some type of biblical studies program.  In just a couple weeks times this idea went from being just a thought and dream to being a reality.  I am excited to learn more about God and His Word and grow in my faith in new ways through the next two years of study. 

Along with big changes come apprehension and feelings of insecurity in my heart.  I’ve not been a student in a LONG time but I love to study and learn and I feel confident that the Lord will work through this next step to bring about His purposes in my life.  I am seeking to pursue righteousness in fresh new ways in my life. 

“Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you.”  Hosea 10:12

This verse has been on my mind often in the past few months as life has gone on around me.  I have been asking the Lord to break up the areas of unplowed ground in my life.  The areas of hardness in my heart where love and grace and mercy are difficult to see and live out.   The areas of hardness in heart where jealousy and unforgiveness show themselves.  The areas of lack of faith cause me to make poor choices that don’t lead to life and freedom.  My heart’s desire is that as I delve deeper into God’s Word in this season of in-depth study, I will see the fruit of unfailing love in my life; that I will see God’s righteousness showered down up on me. 

Restless

All my life I have had a restless spirit in me. I love to explore and experience new things in life and get easily bored with the repetitive, mundane tasks of life. This restless spirit is something I have to keep in check because it can lead me toward being critical and negative about the place God has me. As of late I’ve been wrestling with an ever growing restlessness in my spirit. Some who love me have encouraged me to seek contentment in my circumstances and I recognize that I must find a place of peace with where God has me for today. But I feel in my spirit a need to consider some new things in my life. I have poured myself into being a wife, mother and musician over the past 20 years and believe those were the things God was calling me to. But I am sensing there is a new thing coming for this season of my life. I think the restlessness I am feeling is a unholy unrest at this time in my life. With all four of my kids in school and flourishing where they are; recent changes in our lives that leave us less committed in ministry contexts; and my recent resignation from my part-time job of 6 years, I am wondering what God’s will is for my life in this next season.

I have been encouraged by the Lord over the past few months to start dreaming about what He has for me next. Dreaming is terrifying. I am wrestling with so many doubts and fears as I begin to dream. I am questioning my own motivations and asking myself what is holding me back. I am realizing that I am often held back by a fear of what others will think if I make drastic, bold changes in my life and attempt big things for God. I know I’m not capable in and of myself to accomplish great things, but I have a big God who is in the business of doing big things. I am thankful for friends who encourage me to dream and believe that God is going to do new things in our lives.

I wish I could say that He’s made it all clear and I know what the future holds, but honestly I don’t have a clue. I feel as though I am sitting in a waiting; unsure of what I’m even waiting for. But I have a confidence in knowing that God knows – He knows what comes next in our lives; He knows the joys and challenges that will come before us and He knows the glory that will be revealed as He works to make all the pieces of our lives beautiful.

“It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.
But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses
in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:7-8

It is only for God to know the dates and times of the events of our lives. I struggle with that reality. I want to know what will happen next week, month, year. But I have to surrender myself to my Savior and trust His plan for my life, knowing that His plan is to use me by the power of His Spirit to reach a lost and dying world. I want to remember this each day and not waste my life – I want to live my life for the purposes God has set out for me. So I will press into the heart of my Lord and Savior, I will study His Word, pray and seek guidance from Him and from godly friends in my life to look for the next steps He is asking me to take. I will press on.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect,
but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: Forgetting hat is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14

Hope in the Midst of Disappointment

Dealing with the disappointments of life is a necessary life skill. Disappointment is a regular part of life and we can choose to deal with it well or not so well. Facing disappointment over the years has not been my strong suit. I have often gone down a negative path of discontent, bitterness and anger with God when disappointment has come into my life. When my boys were diagnosed with their disabilities I went through a long period of dealing poorly with the disappointment. I blamed God for the challenges before me and questioned His love for me, thinking that He would protect me from trials in life if He truly loved me. I spent much time and energy grieving in an unhealthy way the life I thought I deserved. As I have faced other disappointments in life I often reacted similarly – blaming God and being wrecked emotionally by the loss, big or small, in my life.

God is teaching me to continue to put my trust in Him even as disappointments come my way and recognize that often those disappointments are simply a result of the fallen world we live in and are orchestrated by the enemy of my soul with the intent to destroy my faith, my witness, and ultimately my life. We have a real enemy and that enemy has power in this world to wreak much havoc. God has given him that power for a time and I must recognize that often the hard things in my life that lead to disappointment are orchestrated by the enemy of my soul to fulfill his purpose in my life – destruction. But I have a more powerful God whose purpose is to redeem the mess of my life for His glory and my good.

In Psalm 71 we see the character of God to rescue and deliver those who are under attack.
“In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel.
For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth.”
Psalm 71:1-5

God is a refuge, a rescuer, a deliver. He comes to save and is our rock and our fortress. He offers us hope. I often feel the need of a place of refuge in my life. A friend and I sometimes joke that we just want to run away from it all. But I don’t need to run away, I just need to seek the Lord in the midst of the mess of my life and He offers me refuge for my weary soul. He restores my energy and gives me peace and comfort when I so desperately need it. In the midst of storms of life God offers me a refuge I can always go to. God desires to rescue me from my own selfish focus. I so easily get myopic in my life – I focus in completely on the challenges and problems in my own life and lose sight of the great big world in need. God comes in and rescues me from my myopia – He shows me He has a greater plan to make His glory known throughout the whole earth and that He desires for me to part of that plan. When I keep the big picture in my mind and my focus on the Lord my problems don’t seem so big after all. God delivers me if I will just look to Him for help. He shows me His love and compassion in the midst of the challenges and gives me hope for the future. God is my rock and my fortress; He is unchanged by all the chaos in my life and the world, He remains the same and is continuing to work out His plan for all of eternity amid all the mess of this fallen world. In that I find great hope. Our God is Sovereign above all the craziness of this world. He is working all things together for good to bring His kingdom plans to fruition. He is not shaken by the depth of sin and chaos on our planet. He already knows the end – He wins and we with Him!!

When I keep this in mind, the disappointments that come my way have a lesser affect upon me. I still have to bring the disappointments before my Lord and Savior and ask for His healing in my heart. I have to acknowledge the hurt and recognize the impact on my life. But I am learning to continue to trust the loving heart of God and skip the season of questioning, bitterness, anger and emotional distress. I am learning to recognize the attacks of the enemy in my life and not allow him to wreak such havoc in my life but instead walk with the Lord through the disappointments and allow Him to bring redemption through that which the enemy meant for evil.

Later in Psalm 71 it says:
“Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth
You will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

As we keep our eyes on the righteousness and greatness of God, He will restore our life, increase our honor and comfort us. I am so thankful to have a God who promises to bring comfort amid the troubles of life. He does not promise a trouble free life, but He does promise that He will never forsake us, always be with us and comfort us in the troubles and trials of this life. In this I find great hope.

Finding the Beauty in the Exile of Autism

Ten years into our journey with autism I have come to see the beauty in Seth’s life and his struggle with autism Seth has a pure love of activities simply because he loves them, not because someone else thinks it’s cool or a TV commercial tells him to love it. Seth loves legos and building all manner of structures and roadways, streets complete with stoplights built just to the right proportion for matchbox cars. Seth loves numbers and letters and sequences of number and letters. Seth loves white boards and drawing intricate drawings of buildings and roadways. Are you seeing a theme here? We often joke that Seth is destined to be an architect.

I’ve learned to appreciate some aspects of Seth’s desire for routine and sameness. Seth is my only child that doesn’t dump his shoes and backpack on the floor right in front of the back. He happily puts his coat and backpack on their appropriate hooks and his shoes in their basket. My other kids have to be reminded often of where their things belong and that blocking a major path of traffic through the house is not okay. I don’t have to remind Seth of this, he appreciates the organization systems this wanna-be organized mom tries to set up. I love that!

Even with the relational challenges Seth has he seems to have an innate ability to judge people’s character. He gravitates toward people who are caring and compassionate and will give people he hasn’t seen in a while a sneaky smile and the occasional unsolicited hug. He quickly endears himself to others with his adorable smile and his joking nature. He loves to tell jokes on his communication device and often does sneaky things as a joke to make people laugh or sometimes to just drive his older siblings crazy, just like a typical little brother. Recently Luke was complaining that Seth was annoying him in some way when Bella spoke up and shared how Luke had told her it is a little brother’s duty to drive an older sibling crazy. We had a good laugh at the irony of that – don’t dish out what you can’t take, right?

Seth’s autism has given me a deeper glimpse into the love of God for us. I love all my kids but God has given me a special love for Seth. That love is not based on anything he does to earn that love. Seth’s behaviors are often odd and difficult to understand. His attempts to communicate are garbled at best and yet I love him with a love that I can’t quite explain. I just love to sit with him and cuddle. I love his cute dimple, just one on his right cheek, when he smiles and I love his giggle. I am wrecked when he cries, it just breaks my heart.

In many ways we are all autistic spiritually. We have a very hard time communicating with God. We have a hard time understanding and following his instructions in our lives and yet He loves us completely and unconditionally. He adopts us as his own and covers our lives with grace and mercy. To think that God loves me so much more than I love Seth is overwhelming because my love for Seth is almost all-consuming.

“How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known.” 1 John 3:1-2

The final phrase in this passage is so encouraging to me. What God has for us is so much more than we can know or imagine. Beyond the physical healing that will come in the presence of God in heaven I am overwhelmed by the spiritual healing that will occur. We will be free of the sin, fear, insecurity, shame, sorrow, regret, anger . . . that so often plague our lives. The complete joy of living for all eternity free of sin and pain and in the full knowledge of our secure position in Christ Jesus is an amazing thought that brings a smile to my face. After our time here on earth we will be healed of our spiritual autism and we will be freed to fellowship perfectly with our Father and Creator in heaven. What an amazing day that will be!