Restless

All my life I have had a restless spirit in me. I love to explore and experience new things in life and get easily bored with the repetitive, mundane tasks of life. This restless spirit is something I have to keep in check because it can lead me toward being critical and negative about the place God has me. As of late I’ve been wrestling with an ever growing restlessness in my spirit. Some who love me have encouraged me to seek contentment in my circumstances and I recognize that I must find a place of peace with where God has me for today. But I feel in my spirit a need to consider some new things in my life. I have poured myself into being a wife, mother and musician over the past 20 years and believe those were the things God was calling me to. But I am sensing there is a new thing coming for this season of my life. I think the restlessness I am feeling is a unholy unrest at this time in my life. With all four of my kids in school and flourishing where they are; recent changes in our lives that leave us less committed in ministry contexts; and my recent resignation from my part-time job of 6 years, I am wondering what God’s will is for my life in this next season.

I have been encouraged by the Lord over the past few months to start dreaming about what He has for me next. Dreaming is terrifying. I am wrestling with so many doubts and fears as I begin to dream. I am questioning my own motivations and asking myself what is holding me back. I am realizing that I am often held back by a fear of what others will think if I make drastic, bold changes in my life and attempt big things for God. I know I’m not capable in and of myself to accomplish great things, but I have a big God who is in the business of doing big things. I am thankful for friends who encourage me to dream and believe that God is going to do new things in our lives.

I wish I could say that He’s made it all clear and I know what the future holds, but honestly I don’t have a clue. I feel as though I am sitting in a waiting; unsure of what I’m even waiting for. But I have a confidence in knowing that God knows – He knows what comes next in our lives; He knows the joys and challenges that will come before us and He knows the glory that will be revealed as He works to make all the pieces of our lives beautiful.

“It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority.
But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses
in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” Acts 1:7-8

It is only for God to know the dates and times of the events of our lives. I struggle with that reality. I want to know what will happen next week, month, year. But I have to surrender myself to my Savior and trust His plan for my life, knowing that His plan is to use me by the power of His Spirit to reach a lost and dying world. I want to remember this each day and not waste my life – I want to live my life for the purposes God has set out for me. So I will press into the heart of my Lord and Savior, I will study His Word, pray and seek guidance from Him and from godly friends in my life to look for the next steps He is asking me to take. I will press on.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect,
but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: Forgetting hat is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:12-14

Hope in the Midst of Disappointment

Dealing with the disappointments of life is a necessary life skill. Disappointment is a regular part of life and we can choose to deal with it well or not so well. Facing disappointment over the years has not been my strong suit. I have often gone down a negative path of discontent, bitterness and anger with God when disappointment has come into my life. When my boys were diagnosed with their disabilities I went through a long period of dealing poorly with the disappointment. I blamed God for the challenges before me and questioned His love for me, thinking that He would protect me from trials in life if He truly loved me. I spent much time and energy grieving in an unhealthy way the life I thought I deserved. As I have faced other disappointments in life I often reacted similarly – blaming God and being wrecked emotionally by the loss, big or small, in my life.

God is teaching me to continue to put my trust in Him even as disappointments come my way and recognize that often those disappointments are simply a result of the fallen world we live in and are orchestrated by the enemy of my soul with the intent to destroy my faith, my witness, and ultimately my life. We have a real enemy and that enemy has power in this world to wreak much havoc. God has given him that power for a time and I must recognize that often the hard things in my life that lead to disappointment are orchestrated by the enemy of my soul to fulfill his purpose in my life – destruction. But I have a more powerful God whose purpose is to redeem the mess of my life for His glory and my good.

In Psalm 71 we see the character of God to rescue and deliver those who are under attack.
“In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.
Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel.
For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord,
my confidence since my youth.”
Psalm 71:1-5

God is a refuge, a rescuer, a deliver. He comes to save and is our rock and our fortress. He offers us hope. I often feel the need of a place of refuge in my life. A friend and I sometimes joke that we just want to run away from it all. But I don’t need to run away, I just need to seek the Lord in the midst of the mess of my life and He offers me refuge for my weary soul. He restores my energy and gives me peace and comfort when I so desperately need it. In the midst of storms of life God offers me a refuge I can always go to. God desires to rescue me from my own selfish focus. I so easily get myopic in my life – I focus in completely on the challenges and problems in my own life and lose sight of the great big world in need. God comes in and rescues me from my myopia – He shows me He has a greater plan to make His glory known throughout the whole earth and that He desires for me to part of that plan. When I keep the big picture in my mind and my focus on the Lord my problems don’t seem so big after all. God delivers me if I will just look to Him for help. He shows me His love and compassion in the midst of the challenges and gives me hope for the future. God is my rock and my fortress; He is unchanged by all the chaos in my life and the world, He remains the same and is continuing to work out His plan for all of eternity amid all the mess of this fallen world. In that I find great hope. Our God is Sovereign above all the craziness of this world. He is working all things together for good to bring His kingdom plans to fruition. He is not shaken by the depth of sin and chaos on our planet. He already knows the end – He wins and we with Him!!

When I keep this in mind, the disappointments that come my way have a lesser affect upon me. I still have to bring the disappointments before my Lord and Savior and ask for His healing in my heart. I have to acknowledge the hurt and recognize the impact on my life. But I am learning to continue to trust the loving heart of God and skip the season of questioning, bitterness, anger and emotional distress. I am learning to recognize the attacks of the enemy in my life and not allow him to wreak such havoc in my life but instead walk with the Lord through the disappointments and allow Him to bring redemption through that which the enemy meant for evil.

Later in Psalm 71 it says:
“Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth
You will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”

As we keep our eyes on the righteousness and greatness of God, He will restore our life, increase our honor and comfort us. I am so thankful to have a God who promises to bring comfort amid the troubles of life. He does not promise a trouble free life, but He does promise that He will never forsake us, always be with us and comfort us in the troubles and trials of this life. In this I find great hope.